Back to the Net.Humor ArchivesDescription of Computer Viruses Around the World ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. BILL CLINTON VIRUS: This virus mutates from region to region. We're not sure what it does. BILLY GRAHAM VIRUS: When you save a file, it prints "I am saved!" to the screen. BIRTHDAY VIRUS - Keeps advancing your clock by another year. BOBBITT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then reattaches it. (But that part will never work again.) CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT. CONGRESS VIRUS: Overdraws your disk space. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Forces your computer to play "PGA Tour" from 10 am to 4 pm, 6 days a week. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS 2: Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe just can't figyour out watt. DAVID DUKE VIRUS: Makes your screen go completely white. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November. GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my test.... no new files!" on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congress Virus. GRIDLOCK VIRUS - Keeps shuffling information that it calls 'bills' between your CPU and BUS, sending messages like 'House Bill #xxxx is unacceptable to Senate'. Never gets any work done. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. H. ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Same as the Jerry Brown Virus, only nicer fonts are used and it appears to have had a lot more money put into its development. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up then subtracts money from yourQuicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. JERRY BROWN VIRUS: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense." MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. MCI VIRUS - Encourages you to send it to your friends and family. MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. NIKE VIRUS: Just Does It! OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a document shredder. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:. PAUL TSONGAS VIRUS: Pops up on Dec. 25 and says "I'm not Santa Claus." PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." PRO-CHOICE VIRUS: Every 30 seconds it flashes you a message that it is OK to delete your most important files because it is your right and you will feel better about yourself if you do. RICHARD NIXON VIRUS: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus". You can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback. RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. RUSH LIMBAUGH VIRUS: Deletes all keystrokes entered by the left hand, retains those entered by the right. SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. TED KENNEDY VIRUS: Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. WARREN COMMISSION VIRUS: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.