Net.Humor Archive - Tormenting Telemarketers

         Tormenting Telemarketers - A Game You Can Play at Home!

Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer.  The new Scourge of the
Telephone System.  Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered
if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with something to sell.
Well, the time has come to turn the tables.  We need to take control of
our own phones.  We need to take the "market" out of Telemarketing.

        Premise: Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales.
                 If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy
                 what you are selling.

        Counter-Tactic: Waste as much of their time as you can.  For each
                 minute that you waste means several potential customers that
                 will not be reached.  Make Telemarketing unprofitable.
                 Hanging up only increases the changes for them to make a sale.
                 Don't let this happen!

        Hints: Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making
               minimum wage, and reads a script.  Let them finish.  It's
               easy points, and you were watching Star Trek and weren't
               using your phone anyway.  It's easy to keep them interested
               using "attentive grunting", similar to when your mother


            Basic Point System:
                For each minute spent on the phone               10 pts.
                Getting transfered to someone who makes
                        more than minimum wage                   15 pts
                For each minute spent on the phone with
                        person making more than minimum wage     25 pts

            Bonus Points:
                Getting them to repeat part of the "script"       5 pts/each
                Getting answers to stupid questions              15 pts/each
                Changing the subject                             50 pts/each
                Making the sales person angry                   175 pts
                Making the sales person use profanity           750 pts
                Get their boss on the phone, and tell them
                        the salesman used profanity            1500 pts
                Getting their 1-800- number                      10 pts
                Posting their 1-800- number to as
                        a free "Phone Sex" line                  50 pts
                Checking the number a week later and it is
                        busy or disconnected                   5000 pts


                Me:     Yes?
                Them:   Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning
                        and we're in your area [...]
[start clock->] Them:   [...] would like to know it you are interested?
                Me:     Sure...
                Them:   Well, we are currently offering [...]
                Them:   [...] depending on the size of the rooms.
                Me:     Well, how much for the whole house?
[15 bonus pts!] Them:   Let me transfer you to 
                Them:   Sir?
                Me:     Yes?
[25 pts/min!]   Them:   How large is your house?
                Me:     Oh, about 2,000 sqft.
                Them:   [...] Well, that would be about $xxx
[stupid ?]      Me:     It won't hurt the floor, will it?
                Them:   Oh, no! We use a [...this usually takes some
                        and is completely safe.
[stupid ?]      Me:     Even with my pets?
                Them:   Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...]
                Me:     Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?
                Them:   Yes, and we do that with [...]
[repeat!]       Me:     But the original offer was for $39.95, does that
                        include treating for pets?
                Them:   [...]
[subject change]Me:     Well, it is kindof dirty.  The guys were over for
                        the game.  Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?
                Them:   Yes.
                Me:     What a game!  That last touchdown pass!  Wasn't that
                        a great play?   
                Them:   Well, back to your house...
                Me:     Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
                Them:   [...]
[subject change]Me:     Do you clean furniture, too?  Those guys spilled some
                        beer.  Have you smelled old beer on furniture before?
                        But what a game, eh?!  I couldn't believe that they
                        couldn't move the ball in the second quarter...
[angry???]      Them:   Ahem... Would you like us to come out?
                Me:     Well, when could you come out?
                Them:   How about next week?
                Me:     Hmmm...  Morning or afternoon?
                Them:   Either would be fine.
                Me:     Do you have anything the week after?
                Them:   Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?

[Okay, let's try for those last big bonus points:]

                Me:     Well, I don't think it matters, since I have all
                        hardwood floors here!
                Them:   Dammit! 

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