Net.Humor Archive - Telemarketer Torture

Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers (And expected hang times)
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you SURE COULD USE SOME MORE MONEY! Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back?" (10 seconds)

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" start to sniffle, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, "my sciatica is acting up," "my dog just died," describe your recent surgery ... continue talking about your problems over their sales pitch. (4 minutes)

3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located, how do you spell that... (5 minutes)

4. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, (Assuming her name is Judy,) "Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" This will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. (1 minute)

5. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no,and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. (3 seconds if they know the Federal "3-No's" law, 2 minutes otherwise)

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends . would you be my friend?" (15 seconds)

7. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?" (8 seconds)

8. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal feedback in the form of an "uh-huh, really," or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get back to the sales, just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger. (6 minutes)

9. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics! Hey I work for them too. What department are you calling from?"

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! I know HOW YOU FEEL!" (smiling, of course...) (1 minute)

11. When they ask for a specific person, get choked up, then tell them he/she just died and you were just calling the morgue.

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