Net.Humor Archive - Random Jokes

Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
       picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to
       myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one ?'

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey, honey you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it is as big as the gas grill now."

The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill, then measured his wife's butt. "Yep," he said, "just what I thought, just about the same size." The wife got very incensed & decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside & didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over & turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"

Ralph and Mabel would soon be celebrating 40 years of being happily
married...

When they first got married, Ralph said: "I am putting a box under the
bed.  You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage, Mabel never looked. However, on the
afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and
she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer
bottles and $1,874.23 in small bills and change. She closed the box
and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to
why.  That evening they were out for a special dinner at their
favorite restaurant.

After dinner Mabel could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying: "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my
promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much
and I gave in. I now need to know why do you keep those bottles in the
box under the bed?"

Ralph thought for a while and said: "I guess, after all these
wonderful years, you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was
unfaithful to you, I drank a beer because I was so sad about what I
had done. Then I put the empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to
remind myself not to do it ever again."

Mabel, quite shocked, shook her head: "I am very disappointed and
saddened but I guess, after all this time, temptation does happen-and
I guess that three times in 40 years is not that bad, considering all
the good times we have had together..."

They hugged and made their peace.

Then Mabel asked: "But why do you have all that money in the box?"

Ralph smiled sheepishly: "Well... whenever the box filled with
empties, I just cashed them in."

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Good Year blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his was through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

x Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

A LITTLE BOY AND HIS TEACHER:
 
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.  She
went back to find out what was going on.  He was quite embarrassed and
whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite
itchy.  The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, phone
his mother, and ask her what he should do about it.  He did it and he
returned to the classroom,

where he sat down in his seat.  Suddenly, there was a commotion at the
back of the room.  She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.  "I thought I told you
to call your mom!" she screamed.  "I did," he said, "And she told me
that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from
school ..."

  
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her
wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
     
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
"Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding."
     
"Can I see your driver's license?"  She digs around in her purse a
little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.  He looks it
over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
     
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps
out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the
center line back there."  "Can I see your registration please?"
     
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and
hands it to him.  He looks it over, gives her another warning and
sends her on her way.
     
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.  As she
comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.
     
He's stark naked and has an erection!
     
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the
Breathalyzer again!"

In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them." She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand. Suzie: "I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched" Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?" Suzie: " Don't count your chickens before they are hatched" Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?" Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke" Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?" Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Teacher: " Very good Ralphie, anyone else?" Little Johnny: " Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife." Teacher: "Very interesting Johnny, what is the moral to your story?" Little Johnny: "Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's drunk"

A housewife, working around the home, goes to turn on the lamp.  She
finds it's not working and yells to her husband who's watching
football on TV, "Honey, the lamp's not working.  Will you take a look
it it?"  He replies, "Who do you think I am?  Thomas Edison?"

A little later she tries to make a phone call, and gets no dial tone.
She says to her husband, "Honey, the phone's broke, will you come see
what's wrong?"  To which we hollers back from the lazy boy, "Who do
you think I am, Alexander Graham Bell?"

So she goes to the store for groceries.  Upon her return she notices a
steady drip of oil leaking from the car.  Coming into the house she
asks her husband to see if it's serious.  Awaking from his nap he
replies, "Who do you think I am?  Henry Ford."

Well the husband, awaking just in time for his golf game, runs out of
the house with his clubs.  So noticing the dirty dishes, the house
wife decides to run the dishwasher.  Surprise, it's not working
either.  With her husband gone, she just decides to use the neighbor's
phone to call the fix-it man.  He comes to the house and not only
fixes the dishwasher, but repairs the lamp, the phone and the leak in
the car as well!

Two hours later the husband comes home and sees the lamp is working.
The wife quickly explains about the dishwasher and the fix-it man who
repaired it, along with the lamp and the car and the phone.  The
husband was irate.  "For Chrissakes woman, we can't afford all those
repairs.  How much did that man charge you?"

"Nothing," she replied triumphantly.  "For payment, he said I could
either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."

"That's great," said the relieved husband.  "What kind of cake did you
bake him?"

"Who do you think I am," replied the house wife, "Betty Crocker?"

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Hi Honey, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for 
your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.