Net.Humor Archive - Great Thinkers

Question:  If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer:  "I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we
would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why
I would not live forever."
            -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
            -- Mariah Carey


"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana.  The researchers also
discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember
what they are."
            -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22


"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with
the law."
            -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering
               accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life."
            -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
               spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
            -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball
               forward


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country."
            -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.


"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but
they take them off."
            -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the
               company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of
               pliers.


"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
            -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks



"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president."
            -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
               subpoenaed documents



"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
            -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle



"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
            -- A congressional candidate in Texas



"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the
environment. This is a good planet."
            -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would
               do with a million dollars.



"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the
riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple:
Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame.  Who is to
blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
            -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex
               social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots


"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from
them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and
the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
            -- John Wayne



  "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
            -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark



"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
            -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle



"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind."
            -- General William Westmoreland



"What a waste it is to lose one's mind.  Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is."
            -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a
               fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund.  He was
               attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"



"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will
be cut right out from under your feet."
            -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin



"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
            -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle