Musician Haikus Money's everything Playing any gig that comes Whores, we are all whores Squeaking and squawking All eyes roll to the heavens The clarinet speaks One beat to change from Harmon to cup to bucket Hey, who wrote this shit? Here comes the high note The lead trumpeter puckers Clam, clam, Darn, clam, Shit! The jam session starts Somebody calls "Giant Steps" Cold fear grips my brain (Have to change my reed) Here's the girl singer Stepping to the microphone Pitch, Time, All gone now Gig is going well Asshole requests "In the Mood" I look at my watch I once had a dream Big house, new car, big money Now I play the bass An oxymoron: "He played the accordion With delicacy" Gorgeous chick tells me "You sound just like Kenny G" My ego shatters (Hope no one heard her) (Quitting music now) Three-eight, eleven-eight Fuck you Andrew Lloyd Webber Five-eight, seven-eight Trane, Prez, Bird, Brecker Giants of the saxophone Eat shit Kenny G Great changes, good groove A one-in-a-million gig No singer; Yippee! The accordion "Squeeze box," yes, but more often "The Stomach Steinway" Bassoons forever Try in vain not to sound like A farting bedpost The strings slowly tune When they're done the unisons Are anything but "I can't find my note" Bemoans the confused singer "Quit now," we all pray The contractor calls Months of Andrew Lloyd Webber "Bird Lives" no longer -------------------------------------------------- another one, some are different. > Gig Haikus > ============================ > ============================ > Squeaking and squawking > All eyes roll to the heavens > The clarinet speaks > ============================ > One beat to change from > Harmon to cup to bucket > Hey, who wrote this s**t? > ============================ > The jam session starts > Somebody calls "Giant Steps" > Cold fear grips my brain > ============================ > Here's the girl singer > Stepping to the microphone > Pitch, Time, All gone now > ============================ > Gig is going well > Some jerk requests "In the Mood" > I look at my watch > ============================ > I once had a dream > Big house, new car, big money > Now I play the bass > ============================ > Gorgeous chick tells me > "You sound just like Kenny G" > My ego shatters > ============================ > Three-eight, eleven-eight > Damn you Andrew Lloyd Webber > Five-eight, seven-eight > ============================ > The woodwind doubler > Practicing the piccolo > Frustration defined > ============================ > Pit orchestra gig > Days and nights become as one > I have no damned life > ============================ > Bad intonation > Strings are sharp and reeds are flat > Brass too loud again > ============================ > Great changes, good groove > A one-in-a-million gig > No singer. Yippee! > ============================ > An oxymoron: > "He played the accordion > With delicacy" > ============================ > The accordion > "Squeeze box," yes, but more often > "The Stomach Steinway" > ============================ > Bassoons forever > Try in vain not to sound like > A farting bedpost > ============================ > The strings slowly tune > When they're done the unisons > Are anything but > ============================ > "I can't find my note" > Bemoans the confused singer > Quit now," we all pray > ============================ > The contractor calls > Months of Andrew Lloyd Webber > "Bird Lives" no longer > ============================ > Money's everything > Playing any gig that comes > Whores, we are all whores > ============================ > That plate of hors d'oeuvres > Cost more than we're getting paid > Think we underbid? > ============================ > Break time is over > Rest of band is returning > Now for that phone call > ============================ > Rock drummer, lounge keys > Classically trained singer > Welcome to sub hell > ============================ > God bless trust fund gigs > Only have to eat ramen > For a few more weeks > ============================ > My drummer helped me > Count the syllables > ========================== ---- and some new ones from PeteJ, from a game at a music camp, ---- composing haiku riddles to identify the instrument. Devil's instrument Wish he'd take it back again After one more tune Sacrificed in vain Calfskin stretched on wooden hoop God almighty noise Piano with lungs Please don't play Lady of Spain Too many buttons All hail the squeeze box A one person orchestra Talent optional Buttons left and right C-G or D-A, your choice Loudest sound in room Sheepgut, buzzing cane Gentlemen know how, but don't "Not indoors," says wife Shaped like a woman Boom chuck boom chuck boom chuck boom Hope you know the chords Annoying clinking Why are these an instrument? Ought to eat with them Many strings to tune Rings on and on and on and... Should have stayed a tree Basso del grupo |Ay caramba! What a sound! Guitar on steroids Four courses of strings Chunk those chords in bluegrass style Tremolo nightmare Ribbons of plaid sound Driven by the wind of strings Bow weaving the warp Suck and blow to play Tongues of brass and teeth of wood What key are we in? Silver sewer pipe "What's so funny?" says Daniel Dripping on my feet Played with jug and harp Clothesline, broomstick and bucket Thumping for Kweskin Enraged hive of bees Wheel and strings and keys combined Cranky instrument 88 by 10 A thundering sound is heard Save the elephants! Shrieks and squeals emerge from tin tube worth a penny Befippled music