Net.Humor Archive - Microsoft Acquisitions

SUBJ: Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth," said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone."

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal." The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest," according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief." He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record," and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence."

Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond Washington as "silly," though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy," he observed, "and look how well we're doing." When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place."

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft:

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States:

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.


Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God.

The new product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft God," and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:

Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.

Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version.

This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc. Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.

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