NetHumor Archive - More One Liners

• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup
  
  
• Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen
  
  
• Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
  
  
• A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth
  
  
• Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after
  
  
• Do I look like a f--king people person?
  
  
• This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting
  
  
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left
  
  
• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
  
  
• I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time
  
  
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  
  
• You! Off my planet!
  
  
• Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose
  
  
• Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control
  
  
• Bottomless pit of needs & wants
  
  
• I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes
  
  
• Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
  
  
• If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat
  
  
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  
  
• The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat
  
  
• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  
  
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed
  
  
• God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him
  
  
• Let me show you how the guards used to do it
  
  
• And just how may I f--k you over today?
  
  
• And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
  
  
• I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years
  
  
• If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil
  
  
• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil
  
  
• A PBS mind in an MTV world
  
  
• Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth
  
  
• Allow me to introduce my selves
  
  
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer
  
  
• Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you"
  
  
• Better living through denial
  
  
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed
  
  
• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them
  
  
• Adult child of alien invaders
  
  
• Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  
  
• I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up
  
  
• Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage
  
  
• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable
  
  
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
  
  
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door
  
  
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet
  
  
• Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards
  
  
• After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
  
  
• Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
  
  
• Back off! You're standing in my aura
  
  
• I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one
  
  
• Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
  
  
• Adults are just kids who owe money
  
  
• One of us is thinking about sex. OK, it's me
  
  
• How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
  
  
• I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery Why should I leave the house?
  
  
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
  
  
• It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me
  
  
• I work 40 hours a week to be this poor
  
  
• You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing
  
  
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #3?
  
  
• Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF--k you!
  
  
• Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong
  
  
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  
  
• Not all people are annoying. Some are dead
  
  
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses
  
  
• Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done
  
  
• A woman's favorite position is CEO
  
  
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no
  
  
• You look like shit. Is that the style now?
  
  
• Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth
  
  
• Earth is full. Go home
  
  
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
  
  
• Does this condom make me look fat?
  
  
• Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
  
  
• I plead contemporary insanity
  
  
• And which dwarf are you?
  
  
• I refuse to star in your psychodrama
  
  
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
  
  
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  
  
• It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size
  
  
• Meandering to a different drummer
  
  
• I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
  
  
• I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?