Net.Humor Archive - If Men Ruled the World

• Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
  
  
• Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
  
  
• Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
  
  
• When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  
  
• Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
  
  
• Birth control would come in ale or lager.
  
  
• You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
  
  
• Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
  
  
• The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
  
  
• "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
  
  
• At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
  
  
• It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
  
  
• Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
  
  
• Tanks would be far easier to rent.
  
  
• Garbage would take itself out.
  
  
• Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
  
  
• Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
  
  
• Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
  
  
• On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
  
  
• St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
  
  
• "Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops ... or to the crooks.
  
  
• Two words: Ally McNaked.
  
  
• Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
  
  
• The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle."
  
  
• It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of as.
  
  
• Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
  
  
• When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you respond with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
  Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
  You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
  Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
  
  
• Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
  
  
• Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
  
  
• Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation Back to the Net.Humor Archives