Net.Humor Archive - Joke Collection

[ed. note. yes, this one did not come with a title]

1.   A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a
2.   You forgot how to work the TV remote control. 
3.   You see something funny and scream, "LOL,  LOL." 
4.   You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ
of ICU! 
5.   You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45
6.   You placed the refrigerator beside your computer. 
7.   You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can  have ICQ in your car. 
8.   Tech support calls YOU for help. 
9.    You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out." 
10.  You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza. 
11.  You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12.  You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing. 
13.  You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said. 
14.  You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago. 
15.  You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an
message to. 
16.  You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your
button handy. 
17.  You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for
18.  You say......."Where did the time go??" 
19.  You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign
20.  You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 
21.  .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods....... 
22.  Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small. 
23.  You think faster than the computer.   <----Not difficult for me 
24.  You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **
25.  Being called a newbie is a major insult to you. 
26.  You're on the phone and say BRB. 
27.  Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

28.  Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB.
Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP". 
29.  You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on
30.  You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.

                                A CONFESSION 
When God gave out brains,  I thought He said trains, And I said I'd take the next one. 
When God gave out looks,  I thought He said books,  And I didn't want any. 
When God gave out noses,   I thought He said roses,   And I ordered a big one. 
When God gave out legs,  I thought He said kegs,  So I ordered two fat ones. 
When God gave out ears, I thought He said beers  So I ordered two long ones.
When God gave out chins,  I thought He said gins, So I said, "Give me a double." 
                           -= God, am I a mess. =- 

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 & found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment & included this letter:

Dear IRS: Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."

Sincerely, I. Getscrewed Everyear

Three cowboys, one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other from Texas are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins.. The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."

The guy from Arkansas can't stand to be bested."Why I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!" The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Big Mike's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you todeath or Two, we have sex." Big Mike bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.

Big Mike heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Big Mike bends over once again. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged.

He heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. Sure enough, there's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear. The polar bear looks at Big Mike with a puzzled look and says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

Did You Know This: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:

Q: Know what they found in the pocket of Monica Lewinski's dress???
A: A wad of Bills

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "God, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die. As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked,"Do you suck?""No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor."I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic."Slut," he said, and dropped her.

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