Net.Humor Archive - Random Clinton Sightings

Entry #1:

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
     'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
     On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
     Since you look such a mess,
     Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
     That an intern is better
     Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.

Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy".

Monty Python alumnus John Cleese was recently asked why England is superior to America. He gave the following three reasons:

1. 1. Because English people can speak English.
2. 2. Because when England hosts a world championship in sports, they actually invite other countries to compete.
3. 3. Because when you are introduced to the British head of state, you only have to go down on one knee.

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Go to the theater."

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed. "No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

And, poof, just like that, her ears were gone!

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.

As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "You
ready to order?"

Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!" the waitress replies.

"Sir, given the current situation of your personal life

I don't think that is a good idea.

I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."

She walks away.


Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche."

Rejected State of the Union Speech Opening Lines:


15. "Four whores and several interns ago..."

14. "Very funny. Now would all you Republicans 
     please get rid of those berets and cigars?" 

13. "Y'know, if I shot all of y'all, my approval 
    rating would be 99%."

12. "Dear Congressional Record. I never thought 
    I'd write to you with a letter like this, 
    but..."

11. "You're probably wondering where my pants 
    are..."

10. "Okay, I shagged her. I shagged her rotten, 
    baby!"

9. "Immediately after my speech, you are all
   cordially invited to come up here and kiss my 
   pasty white ass."

8. "Members of Congress, I feel you're a 
   pain."

7. "I have not had sexual relations with anyone 
   in this chamber. But seriously, folks..."

6. "First, I'd like to introduce my new Attorney 
   General, Alec Baldwin."

5. "Whoa! I've been sleepwalking the last 
   three years! I hope I didn't do anything 
   embarrassing!"

4. "(Psssst! Al! Fourth row, third from the 
   left-you can see right up her skirt!)"

3. "Acquit me, or the stock market gets it." 

2. "This meeting of The Duplicitous Serial 
   Adulterers Group will now come to order. Ha, 
   ha! Just kidding, people."

and The Number 1 Rejected State of the Union 

Speech Opening Line...

1. "I'm not under oath, am I?"