Net.Humor Archive - Bumper Stickers

• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  
  
• All men are idiots, and I married their King.
  
  
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  
  
• Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
  
  
• Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
  
  
• BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
  
  
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  
  
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  
  
• Cats... the other white meat.
  
  
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  
  
• Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
  
  
• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  
  
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  
  
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  
  
• Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
  
  
• Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
  
  
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  
  
• God must love stupid people, he made so many.
  
  
• Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
  
  
• Guns don't kill people - I do.
  
  
• Hang up and drive.
  
  
• Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
  
  
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
  
  
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  
  
• Help wanted: Telepath ... you know where to apply.
  
  
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  
  
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
  
  
• I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
  
  
• I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
  
  
• I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
  
  
• I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
  
  
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  
  
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  
  
• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather . . . Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  
  
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
  
  
• If I gave a shit, you'd be the first person to whom I would give it.
  
  
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
  
  
• If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
  
  
• It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  
  
• Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
  
  
• Keep honking... I'm reloading
  
  
• Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
  
  
• Lord save me from your followers.
  
  
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  
  
• Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
  
  
• My kid had sex with your honor student.
  
  
• OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
  
  
• Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
  
  
• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
  
  
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
  
  
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  
  
• So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
  
  
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
  
  
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
  
  
• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  
  
• There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
  
  
• Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
  
  
• Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
  
  
• To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
  
  
• Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
  
  
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  
  
• WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
  
  
• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
  
  
• We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
  
  
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
  
  
• Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
  
  
• Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
  
  
• Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  
  
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me..
  
  
• Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  
  
• Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
  
  
• A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
  
  
• Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
  
  
• This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  
  
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  
  
• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
  
  
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  
  
• You! Off my planet!
  
  
• Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
  
  
• Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
  
  
• Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
  
  
• I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
  
  
• If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
  
  
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  
  
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  
  
• And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
  
  
• I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
  
  
• If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
  
  
• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
  
  
• A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  
  
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
  
  
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  
  
• Better living through denial.
  
  
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  
  
• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
  
  
• Adult child of alien invaders.
  
  
• Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  
  
• I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
  
  
• Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
  
  
• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
  
  
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  
  
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  
  
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  
  
• Back off! You're standing in my aura.
  
  
• I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
  
  
• Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
  
  
• Adults are just kids who owe money.
  
  
• One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
  
  
• I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
  
  
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
  
  
• It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
  
  
• I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
  
  
• You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
  
  
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
  
  
• Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
  
  
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  
  
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  
  
• Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
  
  
• Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
  
  
• A woman's favorite position is CEO.
  
  
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  
  
• You look like shit. Is that the style now?
  
  
• Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
  
  
• Earth is full. Go home.
  
  
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
  
  
• Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
  
  
• I plead contemporary insanity.
  
  
• And which dwarf are you?
  
  
• I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
  
  
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  
  
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  
  
• Meandering to a different drummer.
  
  
• I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  
  
• I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?